Just a Quickie - As the Bishop said to the Organist!

Hello again,................. I've been away don't you know? I now live in London!

During this mad, mad, crazy time, I don't have enough time to wash,shave, eat or even check my appearance before I leave for the Hospital.

Its amazing though, the people of London are so kind! People just keep throwing 50 pence pieces at me everytime I sit down for a rest,

(normally after those long stairs at the Underground!)

They say stuff like "get a bath", "get a haircut"........an nice American couple suggested "Therapy" (Yeuch!!!).......... I hate that Japaneese raw fish!

Well here is a quick run down of the past few days.

Kayla had her surgery on Wednesday morning. I left the Hospital and proceeded to street walk for a large number of hours until the Op was over.

(Made just over 32 pence! lucky there were so many Sailors in town)

Kayla's Op finished a little after 1:20am!!!!!!! on Thursday and I got to see her at 2am! She was sooooo pale that she looked as if she had been in for a "Freckle-Ectomy"!

The surgical team were confident that the Op had gone to plan. However, it was much more extensive than was first envisaged. Thursday afternoon came and I got a call that my "darkling" wife was not only awake but questioning "Where the Bloody Hell was I?" I arrived at the RM heart in mouth, there she was, awake, alert, bossy, thirsty and as fiesty as the freckly vixen that she is!!!!

(and she breeds gingerer and even more freckly and even more feisty vixens! CARA I LOVE YOU)

Well things looked good, except for a little breakthrough pain. Mother and Sister arrived and we were all given our duties by Queen K. We ran about our duties like the serfs that we are tending to her every whim. Friday was much the same. Jobs, jobs, jobs. Later i9n the afternoon "K's" breathing was becoming a little difficulyt and her nasel/gastric tube was accidently pulled out as the full bag fell off the bed onto the floor. The CCU team wanted to reintubate Kayla, Kayla told them to stick the nasal pipe up their rectal passage. Kayla became more anxious and her bodily stats rose, dropped and went dangerous in every way possible. Also her white blood cells were rising very fast and a sepsis worry soon becane evident.

The up-shot was she has now been re-sedated and is back on the ventillator. Asleep she cannot be bossy and her body has time to recover and the nurses can get on with their jobs!

It is now Sunday afternoon and I am off for another 15 hour sleep........my batteries will be fully charged when she is brought back to concieousness so that I can fullfill her every whim!

Final note I need a mans hairdresser (but not at Knightsbridge prices!) just a parting here costs about a "pony" or a "donkey" or a "Lesser spotted mongoose" these bloody Londoners count in gobble-de-gook!

Let me explain my hair style these days. Normally I have the Kojak or that bloke from the king and I? You know Mr Brinner. At present I Have the longest, fluffiest hair that I have had for years! Blackbirds follow me squabling as to whoget to nest in my fluffy but balding pate!

I need to get back to my normal look. I think it's a cool look (but I would as I am the baldly one here) The look I aim for is a cross between the bad guy from the Mummy crossed with the Kurgan from Highlander!! "Hello my pretty pretty!!!!

A kind of rough and ready look with just a hint of evil! (well may two hints of evil!)

(That's why bettie loves me sooooooooo much....I appeal to her darker side!)

But as I said earlier I look like "Freddy the fluffy-fluffy fluffster from flufftownI. It's a wierd look, try crossing Peter Stringfellow Worzel Gummage and a hint of Don King!

I NEED A BLOODY HAIRCUT !!

Final thought..............My darling wife lies in the CCU at the RM sedated, ventillated and healing after a massive, massive operation.

She is stable and just gathering her strength in order to open her eyes and yell

"Stu get yer ass over here I have a job for you!"

When that moment comes I will be the happiest man in the whole world!

Take care........ and if you have my number don't be shy to call.

Stu XXX

Culdnt't evan be arsed toooo spel Chek this!!!!!!

I am such a Slacker!!!!!

Hello all................... Dear readers......... Friends of mine.............and the billion friends, chums and (people in the same boat) as my "darkling" Kayla....................... oops and not to forget.......a special hello, to that sexy northern "3 foot six" MINX Bettie, and Janie of course!

Should I be doing this????? I am bloody "Cream-Crackered", I am just back from a hard day at the Marsden.

I would still be trapped there too! but thanx to my fantastic Dad-in-Law (Taxi-Dave) I can now sleep for a final time in my own comfy bed....... B4 Kayla's Op on Wednesday.

Went for a bit of a walk today .........Hyde Park.......and Princess Diana's part of the estate.

Dave you'll never believe it! I met QEII in Hyde park. She was "Poopie-Scooping a dozen Corgies, as I bowed and tugged on my forlock. She remembered me from the Falkland campaign, we chatted, had a Latte, held hands and discussed Chelsea FC, that poor bloody Whale in the Thames, and how she plans to depose Ken Livingstone. It was a nice break from the Marsden. Just before she took the tube back to Buckingham Palace she asked if there was anything she could do for me. I immediately put your name forward for the "Queens gallantry medal for driving your family every-bloody-where 24/7 Medal" (with Clasp, Garter and Bra) Keep an eye out at New Year.

Knackered, drained and quite anxious and emotional. I feel a bit of a slacker, I have been snoozing when I should be updating this Blog!

Let me reflect for a mommet.................SH*T a lot has happened.............I need to tell you!!!!!!!

As a "Budding-aggressive-insomniac-anorexic-agnostic-munchousen-journalist" .........I should be writing this angry account around 3am in the morning, just after feasting on a single grain of rice, stating that God has let my wife down whilst stabbing a pencil into my left eye!!!!!!!! However, I am not so I wont!

Serious stuff now...................Kayla was admitted as stated in an earlier "bloggy thing"...................She came home for Saturday but it was a bit of a disaster!!!!..... and she was in a whole world of agony. Her pain is on the increase and she is not really eating nor does she have much "QOL" right now. But backto Hospital with her on Sunday. The staff in her ward are fantastic! Professional, caring and sensitive to her predicament. I am not squeamish in the least, but the bruises and marks from constant treatment to ease her anguish, deeply trouble me, (she is a peach and bruises like one).

Her pained little face........ tears my emotions and heart to pieces.. Normally looking into my wifes gorgeous, sexy, green eyes....(as long as I am in her good books) is like looking into a flawless sparkling Emerald! (Guys don't start puking I mean it!) I really do!

If however, I am in her bad books it's like staring into the deadly eyes of an angry spitting Cobra! (Note to self ...STAY ON HER GOOD SIDE!!!!)

The next few days are gonna be the hardest days that any of us have ever had to endure. This operation is a "Fixer" and that is what we should all focus on, be strong for each other and yell out if you need support..... I will be there for anyone 24/7 even if you call me at 3:30am!!!!!

I may be a little cranky......... but who wouldn't be if you are tired, hungry and have a pencil stuck in your left eye!

The Bottom Line........................

Kayla is ready and willing for this "Op" she wants rid of the "Beast Within" and is eager to embark on the new road the one called Recovery and then take a left just after the Post Office by the traffic lights onto the final street called normality!

This Is me ..................over and out (Time to sleep!)

StuXXX

Hello all it's me Stu..............bored, awake and kind-of creative......... but positivley?.......... I just don't know?

It's very late (well late enough for me !)..........01:32 and I'm just blown awake from a hairy spider dream! Makes a change from the keys and the huge blue goldfish.

Thoughts, thoughts,thoughts.... tried a little nightcap tonight to avoid this....... but here I am! Wide awake in the middle of the night, just as I hoped I wouldn't be!

Listened to music ....didn't help........had a lavender bath didn't help (I must be well HARD!) I even watched WWE, (World Wrestlng....something or other!) it gets my 9 year old to sleep. I just thought that those 50-something year-olds need to wear baggy clothes, leave off the body oil and stop all that fighting each other they look a little gay....... and as to the WWE women they contain more silicon than the whole of California!

Anyway why am I awake?....worried I expext. K is about to face the biggest challenge of her entire life! Gulp!

I have seen some bad, bad .............evil things with 26 years working with the MOD but this grips me sooooooo much harder.

I don't just worry for me and my kids I worry for my family. Her Mum and Sister must be frantic. I had a fight with her sister recently and feel bad I should be more tolerent........even of ginger people who press all my buttons (Sis I LOVE Ya!............no really I do...........ish!.....you know I do I'm just cranky..............Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm)

Anyway I need to get some bloody sleep soon or I will actually turn into Stu-Van-Winkle

Readers befor I go and if you have not read the full story up to this point just let me fill you in..................

I LOVE MY WIFE XXX

For the Whole World Webby-Thing to Witness.....an Appology

Kayla is still in Hospital and will now remain there until her Op this coming Wednesday. Will write more when the dust settles and I stop doing yo-yo impressions between the Hospital and home. I am getting very tired physically and mentally.

I have a day off soon (Saturday) thanx to my wonderful "Sis-in-Law", whom I was rather "short" and abrupt with yesterday. I would therefore like to appologise for being tired, cranky and nasty to you Shabba SORRY! as you are my favorite "Sis-in-Law"!

There now Shabs bet you thought you'd never......

A. Get an apology
B. Get it in front of the whole World!!!!!!
C. Sincerely meant and heartfelt!

Hey 2 out of three aint bad!!!!!!! (Don't get a shirty on!) it's B that's isn't correct there are actually some places in Wales that don't have "Tinternet boyo" so they missed it.

Gotta dash flowers to buy and a bossy patient to placate......................

StuXXX


P.S For The "Ladies of J" and the "Sisters-of H" I have changed the settings so you can post comments on here again.

Gotta Dash

It's now Wednesday morning am I am afraid to say Kayla is in Hospital. Things got progressively worse over the weekend and the GP contacted the Royal Marsden passed on that she was failing fast and if not treated quickly and aggressively would not be fit enough fo the coming surgery. She was admitted on Monday and I returned home late Tuesday in order to prepare the Kidz ready for return to Boarding School.

Kids are a little "freaked" to say the least, but know mum is in the best place. Oh yes the lymph node tests and CT scan all came back OK! So it is still all systems go for surgery a week today. Gotta go gotta get back to the Marsden and Kayla.

Can you believe it she didn't even bother to get me a valentines day card!!!!!!!!!

In Sickness and in Health

Kayla awoke this morning with the words BRRRRGHHHHAAAAaaarrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!! Once again she was sooo sick it was startling! So much so quick and such a wierd look to it ! I decided to save some to show the IR Nurse (am I sad or medically astute?).

The biggest jug I had could not cope! Anyway I managed to save over a pint and a half. Eeeeewwwwww! The entire gut-wrenching, puke-tastic episode lasted seconds so this shows the ferocity of the vom-a-thon!!!!!!

When Jean the IR Nurse arrived I explained that I needed her to view some vomit, and she was so cool about looking at my "sick sample" I was amazed. I thought either true professional or a little wacky! The initial assumption was correct....she knows her stuff! . She took one look at the sample and identified it within seconds! The stuff did not look like sick nor did it smell sicky, Jean knew exactly the cause and its posh medical name.

(Bloke talk now....... sick looks like partly chewed food you can spot what the person ate! pizza, carrots, red wine etc and it smells like acid ...drop it on the carpet and you are in trouble) This was so different. It was brown you couldn't tell what it consisted of and it looked like it had been through a food processor. ......Biggest wierdest thing NO SMELL and zero acid wiff!!!!!!

The IR nurse told me that this was food that had gone from the stomach into the upper bowel (intestines) It must have come upon a blockage of some kind, then the body decided that as it was not going anywhere, it must quickly be to sent it back from whence it came.

Reverse Peristalsis pushes it back into the stomach. Stomachs are picky, and when a stomach doesn't want something, two things happen to the contents ....... they either land in a bucket or your toilet or redecorate your wallpaper or douvet.........get the picture? K is now on 4 sachets of movicol a day to get the blockage shifted. If this doesn't work, then come the 20th when she is admitted for surgery they will use bigger nastier treatments.

K did not like movicol but is now drinking it like a trooper! Anyway on to better news. The RM provided transport today and the IR Nurses provided a magic injection before K left! The Journey there was like clockwork, so was the CT scan and so was the Journey back. Micheal and Steve the Ambulance crew were "full on professionals" (Thanks Guys....if you are ever passing pop in for a brew!) and made a difficult time soooooooo much more easy and bearable!

Our three children returned home from Boarding School tonight, so mum was made a fuss of and our 9 year old fell asleep next to her after a cuddle. At this time she is a happy, contented, nausious but pain free young lady with her adoring children around her. She appologises for not posting on Jo's and apppologizesez evin mower for my poowar spelling!!!!!! (Doh!)

Stu XXX

A Fox's Tale.....................

Just a quick update on Kayla's general state of health after the Wednesday morning vomit-a-thon!

There is some good news.......I called out the IR Nurses and they called our GP. They got together in a little huddle and our GP and the fantastic "Iain Rennie Hospice at Home Nurses" came up with a plan that was soooo cunning you could stick a tail on it and call it a Fox!

This idea is even more cunning than the Fox known as Dr Cunning McCunning "Professor of Cunning" at the University of Cunning, Oxford!

Almost as cunning as James Bond's associate "Agent C" head of "Cunning Inventions" at MI5's Department of Cunning. ("C" took over when "M" retired!)

These clever ladies have connected a little automatic pump to Kayla and this gives her pain relief and anti sickness on a measured dose (tailored to her breakthrough pain) for 24 hours at a time! So no need for pills or Oramorph to be swallowed anymore, this should kill the nausea and get the old hunger back.

She had been on it for just 4 hours when she sat up in bed and ordered me to go to TESCO's and buy her some Salmon because she was starving! Woo!-Hoo! that's my girl and she ate most of it.


Wow! hungry and bossy again! Marvelous! I am hoping she will be springing out of bed tomorrow demanding a great big fat greasy fry up! Yum-Yum! ............ am I jumping the gun a little?......Doh!

Maybe the "Pain-Oramorph-Nausea-Constipation-Pain-Oramorph....Etc....Etc" circle of Hell has finally been broken.

With a bit of luck and continuing 24/7 care from MJ and myself, Kayla will now be able to concentrate 100% on building up her strength in readiness for the surgery on the 22nd.

Let's hope so......................

Life is a Rollercoaster.......(and we wanna get off!)

"Let the good times roll!" as the song says and roll they have been....kind of. You will see just what kind of life we lead at the moment when I describe what we class as a the "good times rolling".

Good Time No 1: Kayla has eaten something other than Malted Milk Biscuits or Mang0! Yes! she ate half a piece of fillet steak (cooked to perfection if I may say so!) One roast potato and some spring greens with gravy. She also ate some "Pot Roast" We are lucky, we have a live in Chef who is absolutely fantastic... all of our friends and family will agree....that I am GREAT!

Good Time No2: Kayla has been coming down stairs to gaze with admiration and the beautiful fishtank that has appeared in our lounge and watch the myriad of it's colourful inhabitants. We are lucky we have a live in aquatic expert..... MJ and DD think I am GREAT!

Good Time No3: With all the bathing Kayla has been undertaking (honestly up to 10 a day!) she has finally been awarded her 25 Metre badge! We are lucky, we have a life in Lifeguard but enough said about that phot in the previous episode.

So why is this post named "Life's a Rollercoaster......."and not "Everything is Rosey and Fluffy"?

Coz it's TRUE! .............Life is a Rollercoaster!

Just as things are on the up you suddenly get to the top, the peak, the crest, and then waving your hands above your head you plummet downwards at a most terrifying speed, screaming all the way. Kayla had a very good day yesterday, we almost ventured outside. We had a wonderful night cuddled up watching Sky (which is now available in our bedroom....we are lucky, we have a fantastic technician...blaa! blaa! blaa!)

Suddenly and without warning at 4am, she blew, Kayla was violently sick. OMG I have seen some serious sick action in my time! I have a medal for valour in the face of enemy vomit! I got a VC for that (Vomit Cleaning) I have seen my fair share of regurgitated carrot. I have been in the thick of it (figuratively speaking of course!) This was projectile at its most brutal. Kayla was grey and hardly able to come up for air. It was horrible I was helpless, I really felt for her. I was expecting her head to start spinning and demonic voices to follow the stomach contents. I didn't know what to do! Should I phone a Doctor, the Iain Rennie Nurses, Father Dominic the exorcist, it was dreadful. In the end I rubbed her back and gave her sips of water. She was much better by 6:30am and fast asleep by 8:00am. Once again her guts (the contents of which I am now very familiar with!) courage and grit blew me away. If myself, or any other guy had been that ill, we would be off work for a week. Big respect to Kayla.

We are counting the seconds until we can step off this damn Rollercoaster and take a slow stroll down wonderful boring, normality street, leaving lifes little extreme rides behind us forever.



P.S Kayla has asked me to explain why there are soooooo many spelling mistakes......it's not coz the spellchecker is American, no............ it's coz I am CRAP!

Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

A Quick Post .......A Change of Plan

Had a quick phone call today that really changed our week. Kayla's meeting with the Gyn Onc team scheduled for this Thursday has been cancelled.

It transpires that she should have had a CT scan whilst we were at the Marsden last week. The CT booking somehow didn't get put on the system, so we now have to ge back this Friday for it. The meeting to discuss the details of the surgery will be rescheduled for sometime next week. The surgery is still planned for the 22nd of Feb.

How many more hoops will poor Kayla have to jump through before she and "Tommy the Turnip" become separated and go their separate ways?

Cleanliness is Next to Godliness

If the old proverb, "Cleanliness is next to Godliness" is in fact true, then Kayla is becoming more venerable everyday. You see Kayla is always on the look out for anything that will ease her pain or nausea. She has recently been researching “aromatherapy” especially the usage of essential oils whilst bathing. I was sceptical to say the least and thought it was all very expensive mumbo-jumbo! Within a few days I could see that the aromatherapy did have some real benefits.

During the wee small hours when Kayla is in agony a hot bath containing various oils can work wonders (as well as keep her scrupulously clean)

This sudden fascination with the bathroom and its warming foamy contents is getting a little out of hand. But I suppose it does have its bonuses. One, it eases the pain, two it reduces her stress levels and three it breaks up the daily arse-ache of Groundhog Day.

So how does she do it? Various oils in the morning bath perk Kayla up! Then the 10:00 am bath stimulates the appetite and is a warm up for the lunchtime bathing session. This involves a cool bath if lunch is salad or fruit, a hot bath if lunch is a warm dish and a gritty horrible bath if lunch consists of Malted Milk Biscuits!! Numerous afternoon baths can follow dependant on the pain levels. The serious bathing starts in the evening. These baths use that crazy essential oil Lavender. I thought the whole concept of aromatherapy was a load of old “pants”. Something that bead wearing, tree hugging, lefty, peace protestors were into.

Kayla challenged me to take a bath in this calming “witches brew”. I took up the challenge, and lowered my 16 stone frame into the hot sweet smelling water thinking, “What effect can a few drops of purple poncey flower juice do to me?” I am a “roughty-toughty” military man. I started a Sudoku puzzle, I filled in a few numbers then started to drift and relax……..“Slap my arse and call me Shirley” I was calmer than a Rastafarian cigarette salesman on a Caribbean beach! Blimey this stuff is serious gear! Apparently MJ only got a whiff the bath and had to go home for lay down. This stuff works………..sorry tree huggers.

This bathing fetish although beneficial has brought its own set of problems. I have had to buy 4 extra washing machines and dryers to keep up with Kayla’s towel usage. Southern Power have had to install extra electricity and gas supplies in order to maintain the correct amounts of hot water and power for the enhanced laundry facilities. As Kayla is on quite a heavy nocturnal dosage of opiate based pain medication, bathing alone is not recommended.

I therefore have to maintain a life guard service the picture on the right was taken after a 14 hour marathon bathing session, don’t you think I look like a "Bay Watch" hunk? No? Kayla says more like a "Gimp Watch Muppet!"

Dear readers, these aromatherapy baths work. If any of you are in a similar situation to my wife, infirm in pain, insomnia, insane try a lavender bath, it works! Boy does it work!

However, aromatherapy cannot fix either ginger ness or freckles! (Tough luck kids!)

As an end note, this cleanliness and godliness connection must be true! Kayla is now soooooooo clean and soooooo godly. Once recovered from surgery she has been offered to take up the post of the Right Reverend Bishop of Bath and Wells, with options to be put forward for the post of the Archbishop of Canterbury in the New Year.

Take Care

Stu

Groundhog Day.......and Days.......and Days....

The movie Groundhog Day is a light hearted tummy rubbing comedy staring a Groundhog called Punxsutawney Phil and Bill Murry. Murry for some reason I can’t remember ends up continuously reliving the 2nd of February (Groundhog Day) in a small town called "Gobblers Knob" near Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania (honestly it's a real place!).


Kayla stated today that she is living a Groundhog Day existence. Just like the film .Friday, Saturday and Sunday have all kind of blended into one big 72 hour chunk of existence for Kayla, each day very similar. Each day in fact the same, each day horrid and the same, each day horridly monotonously the bloody same...oh yes just with varying levels of pain and nausea.

Our day starts with Kayla feeling groggy and dopey due to the previous night's medicine. She does not want to eat because the medicine also leaves her feeling sick. The lack of eating makes her feel weak. By feeling weak, dizzy, groggy and sick, she does not want to get out of bed. By not getting out of bed she does irritates her bad back (protruding disk and damaged vertebrae). In addition the pelvic pain from the tumour is constantly there. Large amounts of regular medication is needed to stabilise the pain thus adding to the wooziness and sickness.


It is a big vicious circle, sickness during the morning, the lunchtime "food! Eeeewww no thank you", the low blood sugar afternoon weakness and giddiness, by evening the pain starts to increase, by late evening its medication time......."Come morpheus.... to sleep....to dream". No such luck it’s a broken sleep with constant trips to the bathroom..... And before to long its time for another bloody Groundhog day!

During these dark Groundhog days, Kayla being Kayla still keeps her sense of humour (just) I hear her and MJ laughing or is it cackling? I try to keep her spirits up with jokes and larks and jolly japes. If this doesn't work I just enter the room butt naked, doing a silly walk wearing nothing but a single rugby sock! (I won't tell you where!) That is guaranteed to get a laugh, but it can also put one off one's supper!


However, sometimes, not always, and during episodes of extreme pain or acute sickness, her "milk of human kindness" curdles. The venom rises and the sense of humour does disappear without a trace. But hey, with what she is going through it is not only understandable but I feel totally justified to get a little cranky now and then. I feel luckily, I have hardly ever been on the business end of Kayla's wrath. The biggest thing that gets Kayla's ears to blow steam is the constant phone calls. I know people are genuinely worried about Kayla but when the answer machine kicks in and says.........


"I'm sorry but Kayla is not taking calls right now ... look if she is not even well enough to talk to her children what chance do you have? Please do NOT leave your message after the tone and please please do NOT ring back in ten minutes and under no circumstances must you call the mobile....well you can ring it if you want it's actually turned off wrapped in tinfoil and locked in a lead lined box in the garage, .......tell you what why don’t you just read the blog and then send a short email ............... she will read it when she can........Thank You have a nice day ....BEEEEEP!"<br>


Some people just don't get the message and ring straight back! Please dear reader, if the last paragraph sums you up and you are one of the phantom callers please, please do not take offence because there is no offence intended. It is simple Kayla is feeling so ill, pained and tired that does not want to talk to anyone on the phone right now! She is just counting down the seconds to the surgery so that she can rid herself of this thing and then concentrate on recuperating and rebuilding her life.

The Good....The Bad.....and the Bathtub

Slowly and carefully I removed the tiny rolled up parchment for the owl's leg. The owl screeching and trying to peck me as I retrieved the message.

"Thursday 2 Feb, 11 am, Royal Marsden.......be there or else!"

Hmmm I thought maybe it's a clue, maybe the key bunch is there! Finally the mystery will be solved if I find the keys I will solve the mystery!

The door suddenly exploded inwards and there with its mouth gaping wide with it's horrible unblinking eyes fixed upon me was the beast! The slimey, huge, blue, knobbly Goldfish was once again thwarting my attempt to find the keys.

Instead of calling my name it was just bleeping....bleeping....bleeping.

I opened my eyes, heart still racing, and felt for the alarm clock. I got out of bed, rubbing my eyes I looked down at Kayla she was still sleeping. Last night had not been as bad as some of the more painful nights but she had still been up numerous times. In addition she still had a lot of medicine in her system, so getting her up and out of the house by 9am would be easier said than done. I went for a shower and tried to fathom out the meaning of the huge key bunch and that bloody crazy ugly blue fish!

Today we were back at the Royal Marsden. This time to see a professor of Urology. He was going to explain his part in the scheme of things and if called upon exactly what he would be doing. To be honest I was much more focused on finding out the biopsy results. Kayla was also very subdued and I fully understood why. If the pathology results were bad especially the nodules taken from the "omentum" (boy I am pants at spelling) then the option of surgey would be a "no go" and I did not want to contemplate what option B would offer.

08:30 hours, MJ arrived, even she to seemed a little apprehensive, even the 200 sandwiches drinks and fruit she was carrying looked apprehensive! Lets get this show on the road. We left perfectly on time and within 10 minutes we were stuck in the first traffic jam of the journey. This gave me time to think (worry). Would we get the results today? From whom? The Gyn Onc Consultant was away, surley if we had bad news coming the Urologist wouldn't be the bearer of gloom? Would he?

I looked at Kayla luckily she was sleeping. Clearing my mind of all worries and questions, I endeavourer to get us to the Royal Marsden for whatever awaited us, safely and on time.

Like every Hospital out-patients is a crazy, crazy place. Very busy, noisy and lots of coming and goings. We were soon ushered into a room and awaited the "prof". The professor popped his head around the door and appologised for the wait but said he had to talk to Kayla's Gyn Onc team before he could talk to us. OMG! I thought why? what's happened? He returned shortly but for me it seemed like an age. He introduced himself and started to speak. With a combination of exhaustion, anxiety and foreboding the three of us stared at the professor in the same way that Andy from "Little Britain" stares blankly at his TV set! It was only at the point where he mentioned that the worrying omentum biopsies were clear! that all three of us were 100% back in the room and alert.

BENIGN!

BENIGN !

BENIGN!

BEAUTIFULLY BENIGN

BRILLIANTLY BLOODY BENIGN!

Kayla squealed with joy, I almost hyper-ventilated and MJ cartwheeled around the room singing the hallelujah chorus(or did the hyper-ventilation make me imagine that?) anyway what fantastic, brilliant, wonderful news and about time something went right for her.

Surgery we found out is now planned for the 22nd of this month.

After this meeting Kayla needed to see the Gyn Onc Specialist Nurse on a matter of some delicacy.......Woman's stuff........ post laproscopy and EUA stuff........ Downstairs stuff

(enough information already!)

Anyway she was checked out and nothing serious was thought to be happening. Just one more visit to the Marsden and one more opportunity for my wife to expose herself to some passing stranger.... well doctor! She says that she has now lost all dignity and no longer fears the examination room. In fact she says that on her next vist she will go naked from the waist down in order to save time!!!!!

apparently we men have it sooooooooooo easy.

On the way out of the Hospital Kayla bumped into a friend that she had never met. Yes it is possible! A lady called Zoe a web-friend from the Hystersisters (check out the link) had told Kayla that she would be at the Marsden that day and had described her handbag??? Kayla spotted the handbag!!!!! and a quick meet and greet ensued. What a small world eh?

On the way home the Kayla's sitting position in the car must have pissed off "Tommy the Turnip". He pressed on things that really made Kayla squeal. She rated it on a 1-10 pain scale at 11! and more acte than "crowning" during labour (Phew it's right you know. It is lucky we men get it easy, the last thing I would want to do whilst giving birth is wear a bloody crown!) Anyway there we are doing 100mph along the M40 with Kayla swigging mouthfulls of oramorph desperate to get home and horizontal.

Once home Kayla sprinted towards the bedroom howling like a banshee. I know the drill and ran a hot bath. Kayla comes out of our bedroom clutching her aromatherapy (witchcraft) pots and knocks up a quick "eye of newt wing of bat and plunges into the mixture. I am very concerned having never seen her in such acute pain. I phone the Iain Rennie Nurses and they will come and see Kayla with regard to easing her pain. 20 mins later Kayla is in bed still in some pain but nowhere as intense as earlier and by the time the IR Nurse arrives, Kayla does not need an injection.

Tough, brave, clever and very pleasing to the eye...... my wife never ceases to amaze me.

Of Pets and Prisoners.........

After all of those recent horrific nights, Kayla had a relatively comfortable sleep on Monday. Manageable pain and only a few hundred trips to the toilet. "Tommy the Turnip" (our pet name for the tumour) is pressing against the bladder and giving kayla the sensation of a never ending need to pee-pee.

(I hope that we don't offend anybody by naming Kayla's disease but if you stay 100% serious, 100% of the time you will run the risk of a total mental breakdown)

Tuesday morning. After breakfast (fruit salad and malted milk biscuits) we are chatting about what to get Zak (that's the youngest of our ginger offspring....see the last post for his picture!) for his 10th birthday. Zak wants a pet (Gulp) "MJ" suggested a Rabbit or a Guinea pig, I suggested a Tortoise, Kayla suggested a PSP game, as by May he would have forgotten the urge fo a "smelly sh*te-machine" (her words!)

Zak is away at Boarding School so a robust and independent pet is what is needed. I do not have the patience or time to take on another demanding, biting, scratching, wild animal at this time in my life........ Kayla is more than enough!..... (you want to see the mucking out! Eeewwww!)

Kayla mentioned fish. What a great idea! We love fish, Kayla will sit for hours watching tropical fish. They are calming, tranquil and I am sure will aid sleep, recuperation and mental health! What a great idea. Why didn't I think of it! DOH!

We have always had some form of aquarium throughout the millenia of our marriage. You know the normal stuff that two people in true, deep and meaningful love like to keep........... Pirahana, deadly sea snakes, Crocodiles, Great White Sharks, Tasmanian Mud Vipers, Electric Eels! (Well fluffy little Guppies and all those nice happy fish you see in the waiting rooms of the medical profession)

We had a fish tank in the garage but that wouldn't do. It was the wrong colour. Kayla had changed the dining suite 200,000 times since then. The "current" dining suite was oak the tank was teak!

As Kayla was feeling OK"ish" we jumped in the car and went to Oxford in search of aquatic suppliers. This was the first time out of the house for Kayla since the last surgery and it had been about three weeks before that. On route to Oxford on the M40, Kayla was going downhill fast. Her nausea was increasing so was the fatigue and pain. We had medicine and Kayla soldiered on. By the time we found the shop Kayla was in a bad way. She is one of the most dogged people I have ever met, talk about true grit.

If you have never been in an aquarium shop you will not understand the next bit. These shops have a very powerful aroma.........Humid, fishy, wiffy..... with an undertone of germinating pondweed and hints of damp swamp. (No tanins berries or crisp fruitiness anywhere)

With acute nausea and her heightened sense of smell, she walked around a shop with over 300 open fish tanks. I am not kidding when I say Kayla's sense of smell is like a blood hound.

(has anyone else experienced post Chemo heighteded sense of smell?..... if so please comment so that Kayla will know that it is common and not feel alone)

I was gagging at the wiff and I am not ill. "MJ" loved it, knocking on the front all the tanks marked "please do not knock on this tank" and scooping out Pirahnas shouting "Look at the teeth on this bugger!" Yep Kayla's mother had a great time. Kayla soldiered on and took care of business.

To make things worse we headed home through the Oxford rush hour(s). Kayla was green when we got back. Its only 26 miles but it took for ever. She took to her bed with an ominous silence. I went to lay with her and could tell although exhausted she was angry and upset.

"What is up with me?" she asked, "I am an invalid!....... why have I gone downhill so fast?" I had no answers.

"I am a prisoner in my own home" she said getting even more angry, "I just want this f****ing thing cut out of me and my life back!"

Grabbing her magazine she went for a bath I gave her some space.